two questions for you because your sister drinks too much

There’s been a lot in the news about pirates lately, with the ship that was just hijacked along with several others before it. This raised awareness has brought two questions to my mind:

1. The crew that was just hijacked has regained control of the ship from the pirates, but (as of right now) they somehow forgot to rescue their captain.  The captain is the best crew member on the ship! How do you not rescue your captain??? When constructing the plan, the first thing they should have done was figure out how to rescue their captain.  It just doesn’t make any sense. They took back the ship, but neglected to rescue the best guy there.  That’s like going to pick up women at a bar, but leaving your best looking friend at home. Without him around to guide you in the right direction, no matter what you think will happen, you’re not going to accomplish your goal.
2. The more and more I hear about pirates, the more and more I think about this Important Question: Who would win in a fight – a pirate or a ninja?  To me, this is a more difficult question than how to solve the economy (hey Obama – there’s a reason the number one question asked during the web conference was if you were going to legalize pot – because it would work dumbass). The pirate, because he is so reckless by nature, would take chances that the ninja would not expect, thus giving him an upper-hand. The ninja, on the other hand, is the very opposite of the pirate: precise, patient, detail-oriented and stealth-like. The ninja’s patience, I believe, is the key to the battle.  While the pirate grows increasingly annoyed (and thus increasingly drunk) waiting for the battle to begin, the ninja bides his time devising the best way to attack the pirate. Then, when the pirate is in his most Keith Richards-like state, the ninja strikes. The battle would be epic, but in the end, my pick is the ninja.

Now that I’ve given you Two Very Important Things To Think About for the rest of the day, I have to tell you that I won’t be around tomorrow. Apparently Jesus loves me and he made tomorrow Good Friday in my honor, therefore I have the day off.  I will see you on Monday people.  Actually, I won’t see you.  Unless you’re that person who keeps digging through my trash.  If that’s the case, please take my old boxer briefs off of your head. It’s weird.

close to the edge

I don’t mind Crazy People.

I see them all the time. In the subway. On the street.

It’s cool with me.

Just last night I was walking to a bar with J.P. and we passed a Crazy Person.

He had given up the whole charade of asking for money in the normal way and was standing on the corner, yelling at the top of his lungs to all who passed by, “CHANGE!”

No “Could you spare a quarter?”

No “I just need fifty cents to get on the train, please help.”

He was done with all that.

He had decided to cut to the chase and scream “CHANGE!” at everyone. And he wasn’t even posing it as a question, which makes me wonder if that guy was really Jesus Back From Heaven to save our souls and tell us to repent and stop buying so much porn and we were all just ignoring him.

Then this morning, when I got on the train to go to the gym, there was another Crazy Person standing in between the cars.

He was standing there as the train went through the tunnels and all the stops, just having the time of his fucking life.

He was also wearing rain boots and a scarf, so really, he was quite fashionable for a Crazy Person. Though I’m fairly certain there was shit caked to his scarf, and I don’t think Those That Are Fashionable do this.

At least not yet. That’s next season and I hear Marc Jacobs is all over it.

This is what my life is like on a daily basis.

I see Crazy People and I acknowledge them. I’m not freaked out or scared like some people, usually I’m quite interested in them and what they’re doing.

This is because I know that I am always just one rude comment, one too many shots of Patron, one person annoying me away from joining them.

I could easily see myself becoming one of them, standing on a corner and yelling about how I hate umbrellas and fanny packs.

I wonder if they’ll carry that scarf in green?

the man

I bet Jesus had a lot of friends.

If you lived back then, there is no way you wouldn’t try and be friends with Jesus. He was pretty much the Coolest Jew Ever.

Aside from Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld.

I mean, we all know about the Apostles. Speaking of which, you know they hated being called the “Apostles” by Jesus. You know what apostles means in Hebrew? “A group of friends.” Lame! You mean to tell me that the Son of God couldn’t come up with something better than that??? Why not something cool like “J-Unit” or “The Terrible Twelve?” I’ll tell you why Judas betrayed Jesus – it had nothing to do with the Romans – the man was sick of that weak crew name.

On top of always rolling deep with the Apostles, Jesus was the life of any party. No more alcohol? Jesus has you covered player! He’d turn your well into a never ending supply of wine.

And the ladies!

Don’t tell me the ladies didn’t love them some Jesus. He had the long, flowing hair, the vast knowledge, and most of all, he was the one dude who could understand them.

Random Woman: “I just don’t understand John Son of Zebedee, he never asks me out anymore!”

Jesus: [Winking] “I know why you are upset my child. You fear that John did not enjoy the size of your thighs, but fear not, your thighs are heavenly.”

There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus had mad friends and was a pretty cool dude.

And yes, if you must know, he does read blogs.

He’s got this one bookmarked.