until we meet again

I start my holiday vacation tomorrow, so this is my last post until I come back on January 5th.  Don’t worry, I won’t make any “see you next year” jokes, because if I did, I’d have to punch myself in the face for being such an idiot.

I’m sure I’ll be on Twitter though, because I’m addicted to it like Lindsay Lohan is to being a fucking weirdo.

Being that I’m already in a non-thinking mode, I thought I’d just post some polls, because polls are fun and take very little brain power.

See you next year.

Damn!

easy does it

I’m a simple man, so I like simple things.

When things get too complicated, I’m the type of guy who will sigh loudly and then sit down.

Now some people call this being lazy, but I laugh in the face of those people and demand that they prove this theory, or forever be labeled a liar.  Actually, I probably just opt to sit down again.

But let’s not cloud the point here: The easiest, simplest solution to problems is always the best to me.

That’s why when I saw this ad for an English tutoring class, I thought it was absolutely brilliant.

Pure, unadulterated excitement.

This is just a small section of the ad, but this is clearly the greatest part.

Look at that smile.

Look at those thumbs.  Not only is she giving a thumbs up, which is the best way aside from a high five to exhibit True Happiness, she is giving two thumbs up, and they are at an angle!

Fucking simple, and let me say, fucking perfect.

I would’ve loved to have been at the ad agency when they decided on this direction for the campaign.

Important Creative Director Dude: [Clearly frustrated, papers strewn across his desk] “I just can’t get it right!  This needs something.  Something that will resonate with people and make them feel like they’re the best.  Maybe more copy?  Maybe a celebrity endorsement?”

Guy Who Sometimes Eats Pretzels For Lunch: “Why don’t we just have her give two thumbs up?  And maybe, I don’t know, the thumbs could be pointing kinda inward.  That would be cool.”

Amazing.

There is no way you’re not at least slightly intrigued by this tutoring center after seeing that ad.

Right now you’re probably thinking those two thumbs up are pretty amazing, and I bet you’re even working on your two thumbs up, hoping to somehow copy the awesomeness that is this ad.

If you are don’t worry, I am too.  It’s much more simple than doing work.

this is what i’m thinking about right now

Let’s say two of your relatively close friends convince you to go camping, even though you tell them that you’d rather punch yourself in the face six times in a row. On the first day it rains the entire day and your one friend complains about how he misses his ex-girlfriend even though everyone knows she is a total bitch.  On the second day it rains the entire day and your other friend spends two hours trying to convince you that the B-52s were one of pop music’s most underrated bands. On the third day it stops raining and while you’re away looking for dry wood for a fire that night, you stumble upon a drunk leprechaun.  You don’t judge the leprechaun for being drunk at 10:37 in the morning, and because of your unexpected kindness, the leprechaun decides to (for the first time in his life) stop drinking completely and hands you three gold coins.  He tells you that they are each worth 46 million dollars, but only if you give two of them away.  You cannot keep them all for yourself.  You start to question this, but before you can get your argument out, the leprechaun scolds you for questioning him, saying, “I might be drunk, but I am still a leprechaun, and you, you are just a sad man camping.”  You decide the leprechaun is right.  You then thank the leprechaun, he thanks you, and you return to camp.

Do you give these two gold coins from the now recovering alcoholic leprechaun to your two friends (after all,  if they hadn’t convinced you to come camping, you would’ve never been given the gold in the first place) or do you give them to two other, less annoying people?

homicide

This morning on the way to the gym, I got a text from a friend that informed me that Eddie Murphy had signed on to star in the next Batman movie as the Joker.

Naturally, this threw my world into complete chaos.

Throughout my workout, all I could think about was how Murphy was going to ruin everything and how I’m not racist dammit but how the hell can the Joker go from being a white dude to a black dude and that make any sense at all???

As I finished pumping iron (which is a technical term for lifting weights) I came to the only possible conclusion that I could come to – I had to kill Eddie Murphy.

The plan I came up with went like this: Show up at his house – which is easy because he lives in Jersey – ring the doorbell, and when he answered yell, “Dude Beverly Hills Cop was awesome but you can’t do this to my Batman!” Then stab him with my pen.  Which I’ll use because, well, I don’t own a knife.  Also knives can be scary.

I had the plan all ready to go when I arrived at the office.

There I saw my friend who had informed of this travesty to begin with, so of course I started ranting and raving (and maybe waving my arms around like a mad man) about how I thought Murphy playing the Joker was basically the Worst Thing Ever.

At that moment he looked at me and said, “Oh, no wait.  He’s playing the Riddler. I must have sent it wrong in the text.”

I was relived, and I’m sure Eddie is glad too, even though he had no idea he was about to die by Bic to the head.

But then I remembered that Shia Labeouf is reportedly going to play Robin, and Robin is just the stupidest character ever, so now I have to kill him instead.

necessary evil

Talking about the hit show The Hills as a man will not get you anything from other guys aside from extreme looks of disapproval and maybe even a stern talking to, but this is because they don’t realize that men need The Hills.

More specifically, men need Spencer Pratt.

No one in recent memory has done as much to make other men look good as Spencer Pratt.

Every time a girlfriend demands to watch The Hills, and Pratt is featured in the episode, two things happen immediately after the show is over: 1) She will exclaim, “God I hate that Spencer!” and 2) She will look at her man, even though he still hasn’t done the dishes, and smile.

When Pratt vacations with his plastic-girl-with-questionable-musical-skills Heidi and stages an unofficial wedding after getting wasted, this makes all other men – no matter what they do – look great.

A man leaves his dirty socks on the dinner table?  No worries – Pratt has done worse.

A man stumbles home at 3:47 AM while drunkenly singing “You Get What You Give” (which happens to be one of the worst songs ever made)? No worries – Pratt has got him beat in next week’s episode.

Pratt is perhaps the worst man to ever walk the Earth – narrowly beating out Andy Dick – and that is the reason men should not be so opposed to The Hills.

A world without Pratt means that men would have to Be Romantic and Talk About Feelings, while a world with Pratt means that men simply get to be themselves.

the truth will set you free

With the economy in the crapper, it seems like the subway platforms here in the city are getting more and more crowded with people singing and playing instruments for money.

This strategy is a flawed one of course, because 1) No one who sings in the subway is good and 2) Because they sound like cats dying, no one feels compelled to give them any money.

There are the few people that are so mad they actually give them money in hopes that this will make them stop singing, but this never works.

I don’t understand why the subway panhandlers don’t just change their overall strategy altogether.

What they need to do is offer people that pass by random tips about life – that taken separately will be entirely vague, but in the end make sense in some way to each person that hears them.

Here are some phrases that the beggars could offer up which would inevitably strike a chord with someone:

“That guy just didn’t get the joke.  It wasn’t that it wasn’t funny – it was just too smart.”

“It’s okay – I like Keith Urban too.”

“Her sister is annoying.”

“I thought that shirt looked great.”

“Maybe next time you’ll drink even more – that’ll show them.”

“What were you supposed to do?  Not touch her boob?”

The list of things they could say is practically never ending.  They just need to utter some sparadoc thought, wait for someone to identify with it, and reap the rewards.

I’m holding out though, because until I hear someone say, “Your blog is going to make you rich and famous and Michael Jackson is writing a comeback album all about it that in no way could be interpreted as him liking to touch little boys,” no one is getting my 37 cents.

things can be better

Wedding pictures are boring and cheesy.  Everyone knows this.

There’s the one where the bride is looking away in the distance.  There’s the one with the groom kissing the bride as the fake wind blows.  And then there’s the one with the woman crying because she’s finally realized that she can’t change her man and he will always watch TV in his underwear when her friends are visiting.

They are all terrible and in the end everyone wishes that they didn’t have to pose for any of them.

Of course I have the solution to this, because I am A Thinker.

I’ve decided that for my wedding pictures, I will have an angry falcon airbrushed onto my shoulder in every photo.

That’s right.

Not just a falcon.  Anyone could think of that idea.

An angry falcon.

I can even show you how amazing this idea is.

Here is a photo of Ari and I looking normal:

Awww... love and rainbows and kittens.

Boring!  Right?

Now here is one of us with an angry falcon:

Something is awesome - perhaps it's the angry falcon???

I bet you didn’t even know angry falcons looked like that, did you?  Well they do. But only the really pissed off ones.  That’s why you probably thought it looks vaguely like a parrot.

Now I ask you – which picture do you prefer?  The choice is clear.

Of course when I mentioned this idea to Ari, she laughed nervously and said something about “not remembering this idea,” but I think that means she thinks it’s perfect and we’ll do it.

Don’t you?

for shame

It’s the 14th of the month – which means I have a post up at Burt Reynolds’ Mustache today.  Now, before you go any further, let me warn you that I totally copped out and posted a recycled post from here.

I know!

But it’s from the first month that I started blogging, so no one really read it anyway, plus I have a ton of crap I have to do today so please forgive me and don’t call the Blog Police on me.

i am irritated

Today is Friday and as we all know – Friday is the day where the Internet goes to die.

Because of that and the fact that 1) I was interviewed by the great Dan Mega and 2) I am having some technical issues with my email (yes this is one day after I said Google was great) I am begging you to go read the interview for your daily fix of my stupid ass.

And in closing, I would just like to say I’ll see you in hell Google.

I’ll see you in hell.

dedicated

Because Google rules the world and controls all we do with an iron electronic fist, I am of course a proud user of Gmail.

This morning, when I opened my account up, I was greeted with yet another innovation from the Google god’s: the ability to make a task list.

Of course this would be my First Task – to make a task list.  So I did, and for your enjoyment, here are the things I need to accomplish before I leave the office tonight.

I bow down to you all powerful Google gods.

As you can see I have quite the day ahead of me.

Of course, like most things I come in contact with, I will exhibit a large amount of enthusiasm about these task lists at first, and then promptly forget about them in a couple of days.

But for now, I think I’ll go add another task to my list. 

Perhaps something about coming up with excuses for my boss as to why I was drooling on my desk while looking at pictures of Kim Kardashian.

In fact that might have to be made a priority.