chris doin’ work

Hey everyone – I’m in the process of transferring this blog to a self hosted site, which will allow me to rule the world and probably be able to beat Contra without the secret code for unlimited lives.

So please be patient with the blog for a bit, as some things might look kind of fucked up at times.  Well, more fucked up than usual I should say.

Oh and please don’t comment on this post either, I think I took down the comments, but who the hell knows. My new site is going to be great! Can’t you tell?

Thanks.

picking the best part

The other day I attended a Jewish wedding for the first time, and let me tell you, those Jews know how to have a good time. I was raised as a Catholic, and all the weddings I ever went to growing up were boring as hell.

Though I guess hell isn’t very boring at all, you know, with all the fire and Never-ending Sadness happening, but that’s beside the point.

What I realized at the Jewish wedding was that because Ari is about .07% Jewish, when I get married in September – I’m going to be a Jew!

This is obviously pretty exciting to me.

Not because when people see a picture of me and my big nose and ask me if I’m Jewish I can finally say “yes” instead of “no, I just have a fucking big nose, asshole.” No, it’s because I fully intend on doing that thing that Jews do at weddings when they lift the bride and groom up in chairs and dance around with them.

When I saw that happening, I looked at Ari and said, “Oh, we are totally doing that at our wedding.” And because I’ll be a Jew as soon as I end my life as I know it, I mean, accept the vows of marriage, it will totally be an acceptable thing to do.

I can see it now:  Everyone will be dancing and lifting Ari and I up in chairs and I’ll yell “Shalom! Yom Kippur!” and Ari will glare at me and everything will be great.

Unfortunately I have to wait until the wedding to have this experience, so until then I suppose I’ll just keep dreaming of that day and of that dance, and toil away at work to pass the time.

Oy vey!

sic ’em

There’s been a lot of rumors flying around today about Apple possibly purchasing Twitter, and as you can plainly see by my elaborate web site here, I am a Technology Expert, so I feel compelled to comment on it.

My thoughts can be summed up thusly (sorry, Techie Speak!): Let’s hope so.

Twitter could be a lot better if, I don’t know, someone fucking smart was behind it. It just seems like it’s always messing up and it’s now obvious that the dudes who invented it have no clue how to operate it. The biggest proof of this is the fact that they’re sitting on millions of wasted ad sales, because they can’t figure out how to make it profitable.

The guys who invented Twitter are like your childhood friends who would suggest playing hide-n-seek, then promptly stand behind a stop sign when it was their turn to hide. They’re great at starting something up, but the follow through leaves you disappointed and confused.

Go ahead and sick ol’ Jobs (sick or not, he’s still powerful enough to make anything lame cool just be adjusting his crotch) on Twitter, Apple. It’s long overdue.

tuesdays are melancholy at best

More words probably coming later, but for now, sit back and embrace your inner hipster by listening to this song by We Are Scientists. I’m a total hip-hop head, but this track is amazing. Try it, you’ll like it.

Oh and yes, your t-shirt is Hipster Approved if it has a logo of something you “like” but don’t really “like.” I know. I don’t get it either.

(hat tip to JP for introducing the band to me)

i’ve got a bad feeling about this

Cooler than you.

Thoughts on my second favorite (Chewie is first obviously) Star Wars character, Boba Fett, in honor of today – Star Wars Day:

• Everyone knows Episodes I through III are absolutely terrible, but here are the reasons: 1) Boba Fett is like ten in Episode II and all he does is watch his dad get killed. Lame. More Boba Fett equals more Good Stuff. 2) Jar Jar Binks. Enough said.
• One of the things that made Boba Fett so cool was all the gadgets he had. Also, the cup on the outside of the pants, which is how all people wore them in the past. Yes, Boba Fett was a fashion icon.
• I just feel like the cape is unnecessary. Way to go overboard there Boba.
• That’s definitely an antenna on his helmet. While Boba Fett was hunting down people for money, dude was listening to talk radio. That’s how gangsta he was.

men, men, men!

Tomorrow night, before the blogger meet-up and the fight, a few of my Man Friends and I are going to pregame at my apartment before we go to the bar.

Yes, that is something alcoholics do.

Because this is an event of epic proportions, I have titled the gathering Man Fest ’09. I realize that, sadly, there are a few of you out there who don’t know anything about Man Fests, so I have posted some FAQ’s below for not only your enjoyment, but your education.

1) Why is it called Man Fest?

It’s called Man Fest because there will be an apartment full of Men and one male dog doing Man Things like drinking so much that they almost die and seeing who can punch the apartment ceiling.

2) When was the first Man Fest?

The first Man Fest was a long, long time ago, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth. One day, ChokChok wandered into Moot’s cave by accident, and because Moot was having a good time punching the wall, ChokChok decided to stay and punch the wall as well. Shortly after this, Ung heard all the punching and laughing, so he decided to come into Moot’s cave and hang out too. All three men punched the wall, then punched each other, and laughed and had a Generally Fun Time. That was the first Man Fest.

3) Can I come to Man Fest?

Are you now, or are you in the early stages of becoming, a Man? Then yes. Otherwise, no. It’s for your own good.

4) What does one wear to a Man Fest?

Casual attire is encouraged. Also, anything flammable is always a hit.

5) Has anyone famous ever attended a Man Fest?

Yes. In 1992, fresh off of the classic film White Men Can’t Jump, Wesley Snipes attended Man Fest ’92 in Los Lunas, New Mexico. A funny story from that event was that even though it was held at night, Snipes wore his sunglasses the entire time and insisted that everyone in attendance high-five him after every joke he made. It was obviously one of the best Man Fests ever.

I hope this list helps you with getting a better understanding of what I am going to be undertaking tomorrow night. If you’re a Man and in the city, please come.

Oh, and sorry ladies, no pictures will be taken.

real adventure

When I was growing up, the first thing I ever imagined myself becoming when I was an adult was Indiana Jones. I figured, like any young boy would, that getting women, punching the shit out of Bad Dudes and saving enslaved children by grabbing some weird rock was a pretty good life.

Of course now that I’m an Adult, I’ve been sucker punched by this thing called Real Life, and to my dismay – I don’t think I’m ever going to be Indiana Jones.

In fact, the closest I ever get to it is the mad dash to a train that is about to leave the station. There really isn’t anything more exciting than seeing the subway doors start to close and jumping into the car right at the last possible second.

I actually take quite a bit of pride in my ability, too. It’s not for the faint-hearted. Sky diving? Please. Try weaving through a crowd of angry commuters (knocking the weak aside if that’s what is necessary) and leaping through the air to catch a train – all to save yourself ten minutes. Now that is what I call Extreme.

The best part about it is seeing the faces of doubt when I make my move toward the train. When I pick up my pace to a steady jog, I always see the people who have exited the subway and I know what they’re thinking:

“He’ll never make it.”

“What a fool! He’s going to be ten minutes later than he thought!”

“I think his fly is down and I’m feeling intrigued.”

But I keep going! Why? Because this is my Temple of Doom! This is my Lost Ark! And damn you to hell if you think it will be my Last Crusade!

When the doors begin to close, that’s when I make my jump, straightening myself out so as to give myself the most room possible to squeeze through.

Then, when I make it on the train, I always take a look around at the people on there already. I nod at the few who have just witnessed this miracle, this Feat Of Amazingness, and feel bad for those who missed it.

Jumping onto trains at the last minute may not be fulfilling my dream to one day become Indiana Jones, but it certainly comes close.

Let’s see an archaeologist do that.

minus one

I should explain first that I hate the show Jon & Kate Plus 8. When Ari watches it I want to punch myself in the face until I pass out, because if I wanted to listen to eight kids screaming and yelling I’d, I don’t know, have some fucking kids.

With that, because I’ve seen the show, I can’t help but notice how shitty Kate is to Jon. If you’ve seen it, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Jon is like a shell of a man, which I guess is what happens when you have eight kids, but Kate definitely makes it worse.

But now there are rumors of a security guard catching Jon in the act of cheating on his wife, and I feel like screaming “Yes! Jon has his life back!”

I’m not saying cheating is a positive, but really, this is a Good Thing. And don’t tell me about how it’s bad because “What about the kids???” Do you think it’s better for kids to grow up in a house where the parents hate each other or one with just one parent?

Exactly.

So this is just to say, “Hello Jon. It’s nice to have you back among the living.”

Also, tell Kate her hair is weird.

true

This card that I made sums up my feelings pretty well.

either or

I often grapple with many difficult questions, such as why are my feet always so hot? Who told K-Fed that he should pursue a music career? Why don’t more people give more respect to the movie Taps?

While those are all great questions, arguably the hardest question I’ve ever tried to answer is who I like better, Batman or Superman. I know right away what the most of you are going to say. It’s Batman, and the only reason you might not vote for Batman is because they put nipples on his suit in Batman & Robin.

But I don’t think it’s that clear cut.

I think Superman is vastly underrated in the super hero realm and because of his Good Guy image, he gets a bad rap.

Here’s how I try and solve this dilemma:  Who would I rather go to a bar with?

At first it would seem that again, Batman is the easy choice. But life is never that easy.   If it was, I’d have my first book published and Eva Mendes would be all “Oh, you’re hot, do me!” at my book signing and I’d be all “Nah, it ain’t like that.”

If I was at a bar with Batman, all night long I’d be trying to keep up with his coolness, which is basically impossible. He’d be talking to women and I’d just be sitting there, bored out of my mind. All my guy friends wouldn’t want to hear my stories anymore, because let’s be honest, while the time I told a guy he looked like Crocodile Dundee is funny, it can’t compare to the 437 times Batman saved someone’s life.

While I’d be playing second fiddle to Batman, if I went to a bar with Superman, it’d be completely different. Because he’s such a nice guy, he’d make sure I was part of the conversation at all times, and even maybe give me one or two of his stories to pass off as my own.

Even with this thought out, I still cannot decide which super hero I like better. But at least I am certain of one thing, no matter which one I was with, we’d all end up making fun of Aquaman by the end of the night, and really, isn’t that what matters most?